Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Uneasy

Yesterday was a gorgeous day, warm (in the 70s) and still and sunny. Today is overcast and chilly, barely up to 60 degrees. Although it is cool, there has been no sign or prediction of frost yet.

Last year we got a hard sharp frost in early October that ruined the annuals and the fall color. This year we are going into deepest fall without any frost damage.

It's a great autumn --- good color, the Sheffield mums are opening, the aromatic asters are lush, the grass is rich and green, the garden spectacular, the light beautiful.

And yet, I am uneasy.


I find myself really losing interest in blogging, both reading others' blogs and posting my own. Bloggers are showing beautiful photos and writing interesting posts, and I am having trouble focusing on them. I want to stop writing my main blog, I just don't have the interest or enthusiasm any more, and I feel like it is a chore to come up with something to post.

It's been almost four years of continuous posting every three to five days. I feel like there is nothing new to say.

Much of my unease is because of the debacle going on with our government now. I won't write about politics, other than to say it is occupying my thoughts and consuming a lot of my time online now. I keep reading and re-reading news articles and watching TV way too much.

It is not only taking away from any enthusiasm I have for reading garden blogs, it is making me unsettled and unsatisfied with what had been my normal interests.

Add to that the inevitable burning out after four years -- that's a long time to blog and to follow blogs so intensively -- and I can justify why blogging is beginning to wane for me.

For a long time I have been looking at nice scenes in my garden or on visits to other gardens and constantly thinking: I need to capture that shot. I need to get that documented. I need to preserve that scene in case I want to refer back to it. I need to come back and get this when the light is better. There is an edgy worry about having to capture everything I see.

I just want to look without worrying about documenting it.

And for a while now I've felt compelled to keep up with what other gardeners post, and routinely make comments on some of them. I've greatly enjoyed making these friendships and I've loved seeing their gardens and what they are up to -- that has been a wonderful benefit of blogging. But as the political news has consumed me and I have neglected reading or commenting on others' posts, I am starting to feel pressure to catch up.

It's making me uneasy. I am falling behind or losing interest in reading what I had been so eager to follow before, and that makes me feel bad. I don't want to feel bad.

The good news is that I am enjoying actual gardening more than ever. I like being out there, I love seeing my own garden flourish. But I am tired of writing about it, and tired of constantly gathering and managing all the pictures needed to show others what I see.

I want to step back from blogging. I had already planned to discontinue the main blog this winter. Rather than doing so abruptly on the four year anniversary at the end of January, I may just start to post at longer intervals this fall instead of every week. I may cut back on reading and commenting on blogs that I had been trying to follow consistently.

I don't know.

Is it just unease right now because of what is going on in the news? I'm not overwhelmed or busy -- my retirement life is pretty calm and I have plenty of time to do what I want. But I want the edgy sense of pressure about documenting everything to stop. I want the sense of guilt over not reading and commenting on blogs of online friends to ease up.

I'll give it some time and think on it.