Sunday, February 14, 2016

Ding

Minus 11 degrees F this morning. On the unheated porch where I am overwintering potted plants it's above zero, but barely. After a mild and sometimes too-warm winter so far, deep cold has arrived. I'm staying inside. But I have complaints.

Everything in this house beeps. The coffeemaker chirps five times when the coffee is ready and three times when it shuts off.

The washer beeps when the load is finished. The dryer chirps urgently when it's almost done, and again when it's finished. Loudly.

The microwave, our phones, alarm clocks, computers all beep. The toaster oven dings.

But this is the worst -- our house is now wired to chime every time we open a door.

We recently had a home security system installed. I did not want it, and asked the technician repeatedly to show me how to disable it and how to keep it disabled permanently. But we had to have it. In order to get a much (much !!) cheaper rate on our cable bill, we had to sign up for the system.

Please tell me how beeping doors enable cheaper TV channels.

The system is disabled -- we haven't turned it on and won't. But even turned completely off, the doors all ding melodiously when we go out and chime when we come in.

I had no idea how many times we open and close doors. And this is the middle of winter.


When spring and summer come, and I am in and out of the house constantly, I think I will go mad. Already I find myself modifying my habits -- I don't want to go out on the porch to water that dry looking plant, I'll wait until I have another chore out there so the door only beeps twice.

I wait for Jim to get up in the morning before I go out to get the paper so I won't ding him awake.

Our winter cookout hamburgers got charred because who wants to go out to the patio repeatedly to check on the grill -- just go out once so the damn door doesn't ding and dong so much. I'm going mad.

It's too cold now to even think about opening a door, so at least that's one blessing from this bitter stretch of winter.

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